When one door closes, another one opens

Or, what I mean, is when I close one door, I slam the fucker so hard that 6 or 7 open. The past month has been a whirlwind. In a nutshell:

I lost my job

I got a boyfriend

I got my job back

As a result, got a promotion

Losing my job was the bitch slap of clarity I needed to get honest with myself about my abilities, aspirations, what is necessary vs. frivolous desire. I got in touch with true gratitude and loosened my grasp on what I thought I had control over. I relaxed and lightened up. I had no idea how tightly wound I had been. The loss was sudden and I was angry. I was bitter and my feelings were hurt. Fortunately for my ego, I was not singled out-everyone lost their job that day- so I still had that to hold on to. Until I got on Craigslist to look for my dream job.

I realized as I searched the classifieds that I had my dream job. I still felt that I had so much to learn and to give as a Matchmaker. Alas, I knew that I would find nothing that sounded like fun if it meant sitting in a cubicle. Thus, I began brain storming ideas about starting my own business, which I still may do, but that all changed when I was asked to not only come back, but to come back with a promotion AND a raise. WTF, UNIVERSE? Thanks! Needless to say, Life is action packed, days are long and I am being pulled in a million different directions. Really though, I couldn't ask for a better life right now.

That being said, The Boyfriend--Mr. Hilarious. We are sickening sweet twitterpated with eachother. All I have to say is that I finally started practicing what I was preaching, decided not to settle for less than perfect, and I got it. And then some.

Case in point, an email exchange from today. Back story, I made him soup last night and he took the left overs for lunch today.

To: Mr. Hilarious
From: Anni Hispanni
It always tastes better the next day...Did you dance around your office with your soup singing "I love SOOOOOUUUP!!!"? I can picture it now...You are sitting at your desk and everytime someone walks by you shout "See this soup?!? My GIRLFRIEND made me this soup!" Better cool it or one of your coworkers is going to gun you down. Then who would I make soup for, huh?

My imagination is in overdrive today.

To: Anni Hispannni
From: Mr. Hilarious
You know, that's actually a pretty accurate account of my past hour!I'm definitely obnoxious today. Obnoxious in love. I'm going to start wearing a bullet-proof vest around the office.
Seriously though, this soup is fucking GOOD! Let me say once more that you are the best girlfriend that any guy has ever had, ever. Smart, funny, sexy, an amazing cook... I couldn't design a better woman!
I can't wait to see you tonight!

That's what I'm talking about, ladies. Le sigh!

If my Vagina could talk...

It would say "Closed for improvements. Will not be in operation until further notice"

This dating thing is not working out. I suppose I need to just regroup and enjoy living my life for me for a little while. In all honesty, I feel relieved around my decision. I have so much more time on my hands (and between my legs!) now that I don't have to tidy up my apartment and shave my vag 2 times a week. With all this time left over I will be rehearsing for my role in The Vagina Monologues (AWESOME!), writing here more often, and taking dance lessons. I haven't decided what kind of dancing yet, but since I have ruled out the Horizontal Mambo, I am thinking of burlesque. Salsa, if I lose my nerve. The dancehall is not out of business for good, y'all!

So...Yay for me! Onward with the self improvement and such!

I just could not take the high road on this last dating debacle. We'll call him The Hot Danish. I. Do not. Geddit.

At the risk of sounding like a whiny 5 year old--HE STARTED IT!!! He called. Invited me out. Showed up. Paid. Kissed me good night. Texted me after. Rinse and repeat 5 times.

He then calls me 2 days AFTER we "took things to the next level" to ask me a food related question. I think this is the only time I would have preferred a booty call over a foody call. Feeling pretty annoyed, yet still hopeful, I gave him space. I gave him space for 1 week. I then proceded to write him this today:

Hey Hot Danish!
I'm assuming that you aren't dead, that you aren't being held captive by terrorists, or stranded in the desert.
I happen to be a fan of communication. It's pretty clear that you are not--at least communicating with me anyway. That happens to be one of my prerequisites for dating someone though. So... I had a good time getting to know you and am pretty disappointed that we never got to have that big blow out fight where I told you that your penis is small. That would have made me a liar though, which I am not. Most of the time.
I think you're pretty awesome (aside from the not calling me thing, that kind of sucks) and I wish you all the best on your dating endeavors.

Best,
Anni Hispanni

Okay, so it's more than a little passive aggressive. This is growth for me though! I don't think I have ever called a guy out on his douchebaggery in such a snarky way. I just became my own hero today.

I think I'm off to a good start on this whole self improvement gig.

I AM 25

I am having to continually remind myself of this fact more and more often as of late. It helps me to stay put, live right now, just for the peace of being here, right now.

My accomplishments are admirable. My stamp on the world, my tiny universe, is indelible. I am proud of my work. It is significant, rewarding, sultry, and delicious. Yet, I struggle. If I was paid in pride, I would be a very rich girl. Unfortunately, pride does not pay the bills.

All of my life I have just wanted to be older, wiser, THERE. Just to have all of it done and out of the way. My impatience with life diminishes my gratitude for everything that exists in this moment. Like Varuca Salt screams "I WANT IT NOW!!!", I'm just not ready for my golden egg.

Emotionally, financially, demographically, I am still a baby.

I just wish I didn't feel so old.

Leaps and Bound(arie)s

I have a task for you. Keep a notebook with you at all times for a week. In that time, jot down every single time someone annoys you. It isn't as much fun as you might think. Bring an extra pen and a thick notebook. Not because you may run out of ink or paper, but because they will come in handy when you decide to clock someone in the back of the head or perhaps stab them in the knee a la Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. Not that I'm encouraging assault, you just may want to give yourself options.

The objective of this exercise is not to vent your frustrations on our companions on public transportation. The objective of this exercise is to gain insight into our own character defects. A little game of You're an Asshole, I'm an Asshole if you will. Let's play, shall we?

An older gentelman gets on the bus. As the bus lunges forward, the man stumbles onto the seat in front of him. An elderly woman sitting at the front of the bus shouts at him repeatedly, "SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SIT IN THE BACK WHEN YOU ARE HANDICAPPED???" I was irritated because it was not her business where and when the man chose to sit down. I was also upset that she was yelling and disturbing me and other people on the bus.

It was not my business that the woman was being rude. I am taking her inventory. I am possessive over space which does not belong to me.

See? She's an asshole, I am an asshole. We are all equals.

I feel better already.

2007 redux

Many changes have transpired at Casa de Mexcellence in the last year. Let me share them with you!

No longer living in sin with her boyfriend, nor witnessing random acts of violence on a daily basis, Anni Hispanni will not be speaking about herself in the third person from this sentence forward.

Ahem.

Since I last wrote here I have aquiesced to the following pieces of advice from friends, family, and random strangers:

"Put down the wine glass already!"-Everyone

"You should try going back on that diet of yours." -Grandpa

"Have you ever thought about breaking up with that guy? He sure is an asshole!"-Yellow cab driver

Love! Support! Guidance!

Broken down into pounds I have lost:

Empties: 1 garbage bag per week weighing roughly 20 lbs=1,040
Poundage lost as a result of not drinking contents of said Empties=30
Disjoining of "that guy"= 160

Grand total= 1,230 pounds!

Put that on your wagon Oprah!

Yes, the load is lighter around these here parts and I hope to write more often this year.