Friday, August 11, 2006

I have drunk tap water for 24 years and I have not gotten cancer.

At my place of employment I am responsible for supplying a plethora of refreshments for our clients. One of these items happens to be Bottled Water. Guess who gets to lug these 40 pound flats of bottled water to the refrigerator 4 times a day in heels? You guessed it, Yours Truly. Bottled Water and I, we are not friends.

Bottled Water: I AM THE GREATEST! Anni Hispanni, it is you who must supply me to those who bow before me! Only I can quench their thirst! OBEY ME!
Me: Fuck you Bottled Water. You can kiss my ass. You are not the boss of me!

Okay, so this exchange never happened. But I still hate you Bottled Water. I do not understand why people seem to believe that Bottled Water is the only option when it comes to hydration. Whatever happened to settling for good ol’ tap water? I’ll admit, in some places that stuff can taste, well, like ass. I even supply a lovely, economically friendly, Filtered Water dispenser RIGHT NEXT TO THE REFRIGERATOR. I have a sign above it that reads “Please assist _______ in our effort to recycle. Please refill empty bottles with filtered water. Thank You.” Perhaps people have forgotten how to drink from a cup these days?

Real Conversation:

Thirsty McFucktard: Uuuumm…Miss? You seem to be out of Bottled Water.
Me: Oh…It seems that way, doesn’t? Okay well, there’s filtered water next to the fridge.
T McFT: *looks confused and examines the dispenser* Uhhh so I just use a cup then?
Me: YUP! It’s just that simple!

I wonder how these people dress themselves in the morning let alone operate heavy machinery. Plus, he addressed me by “Miss”. His body is in a trunk in my basement with a paper cup shoved up his ass.

Or maybe it is just that we are at risk of nuclear fall out should there be no bottled water in sight.

Real Conversation Part II:

Uptight O’Quenchy: Excuse me! Uuuummm…YOU’RE ALL OUT OF BOTTLED WATER!
Me: Okay calm down. Everything is going to be okay. I’ll call 911. Or you can just drink from the toilet down the hall.


Blogger Lily Parrot said...

Bitch, this nearly made me pee my pants. You are one sick comedy-writing genius.

8:40 AM  

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